In my attempt to start seeing my child as my child and not my adopted child, I have to let go of my yahoo groups. This is immensely difficult especially in this year when I have had to give up many things and people that I loved. As for the things I gave up, those were material and I will someday get them back, if not, I know that material things are immaterial in the narrow path to spiritual happiness. As for the people, I did not really give them up; we just happened to move to different state. It's rough but we stay in touch through phone calls, visits, and the internet.
Back to my yahoo groups; I belong to two of them. There is one that is comprised of people of my adoption agency. I call this my happy group. Everyone is always hopeful and pleasant. It is a group that rejoices in good news. This group I will remain a part of since the focus is always on the adoption process and not adoption issues per se. I'm a reference for my agency, so I like to keep on top of what's going on with the waiting families. That is why I will remain an active member of this group.
My other yahoo group is my nri.ichild group; I will refer to it as my yahoo group. There are many ichild groups and this one in particular is for people of Indian descent adopting from India. If you are interested in adopting from India, join one of the ichild yahoo groups. My yahoo group is my lifeline. For the past few years I have been an active member of this group. They have held my hand, wiped my tears, cheered me on, and been my best friends and my family. This group is an immense wealth of knowledge and love. From day one, I could talk to them about things that only they would understand. They understood the agony of the wait to have a child, to hold a child. For every issue encountered or milestone achieved, they have been there for me. And likewise, I have been there for them. These aren't just my yahoo friends, many have become my facebook friends, and many have become my real friends for life. We exchange emails, phone calls, and we have even met in person. Through our experiences and our children we have formed a bond.
My yahoo group has been a regular part of my life for the past several years. It was through this group that I found Nathan. A member of the group had emailed that her agency had a child available for anyone who was ready with their immigration approvals. I replied to the email and literally overnight I had a son. Thank God for this yahoo group who helped bring me my son. I in turn did the same for other families. That's what we do in my yahoo group; we stick together and help each other out.
So how do I detach myself from this group? And why? I have to, because I will always see every issue that Nathan experiences as an adoption issue and not a toddler issue until I move past the adoption. This group keeps me tied to the adoption and it's time I moved on. One simple way I have let go of the group, is by changing the group settings from receiving emails constantly to receiving them once a day in a digest format. Once I get used to that, I will change it to receiving no emails. I don't plan on unsubscribing because someday (hopefully soon) we will begin our next adoption.
Letting go of my yahoo group does not mean I am letting go of the friends I have made through that group. They are my friends forever. All of who adopt, share a lifelong bond. And I hope our children will too.
5/18/10
My child not my adoptive child
When you are an adoptive parent, you see your child's actions through the veil of adoption. What a parent takes for granted as normal toddler behavior, an adoptive parent sees as an adoption issue.
For example, when Nathan was biting and hitting in school, I insisted that it was him coming to terms with his adoption. I even called our adoption agency and they too agreed it could be that. Lots of adoptive kids display anger to test you to see if you are in it for the long haul. I then spoke with the head of Nathan's school, and explained to him how this is an adoption issue. He disagreed; he said it's a normal two year old issue. I then spoke to the school's child psychologist (Nathan goes to a private school so there is one on staff). To appease me she said they keep in mind that Nathan's adopted and give him some leeway, but hitting and biting is typical toddler behavior. Hmmm...
Another flaw of adoptive parents is that you are always trying to find their delays and weaknesses and find the adoptive cure for them. For example, Nathan doesn't talk yet. This is a point of worry and frustration for me. He says lots of sentences but not with any consistency or clarity. Every parent keeps telling me how their child did not talk to 3.That's fine for them, but my child's adopted. As time passes and my panic grows, I finally break down and call the Kansas Children's Mercy Hospital's Adoption Clinic. Here they have specialists on hand to deal with the special needs of adoptive children. I called and explained the situation to the nurse. The conversation went like this:
Nurse: What did his pediatrician say?
Me: He said that's normal and not to worry about it.
Nurse: You don't believe him?
Me: What he said is true for other kids, but mine is adoption. What does he know about the special needs of adoptive kids?
Nurse: Does your son have other issues?
Me: No, he's perfectly healthy.
Nurse: So why do you think not talking is an adoption issue?
Me: Because he's adopted. Maybe he has psychological scarring or maybe he as weak facial muscles that prevent him from speaking.
Nurse: Or maybe he is just a normal two year old boy who has other great communication skills and therefore is a delayed talker.
Me: Oh
Nurse: All you adoptive parents see every issue as an adoption issue. Trying seeing your child, as your child and not your adoptive child.
Me: Are you sure it's not an adoption issue?
Nurse: Yes, not talking at age 2 is normal. There is no issue. He's a child, not an adoptive child.
With that I decided she was right. I need to see my son as a toddler and not an adoptive toddler. And so I am making a diligent effort to break away from the ties that bind me to the adoption. More on that in my next blog entry.
Rajal
For example, when Nathan was biting and hitting in school, I insisted that it was him coming to terms with his adoption. I even called our adoption agency and they too agreed it could be that. Lots of adoptive kids display anger to test you to see if you are in it for the long haul. I then spoke with the head of Nathan's school, and explained to him how this is an adoption issue. He disagreed; he said it's a normal two year old issue. I then spoke to the school's child psychologist (Nathan goes to a private school so there is one on staff). To appease me she said they keep in mind that Nathan's adopted and give him some leeway, but hitting and biting is typical toddler behavior. Hmmm...
Another flaw of adoptive parents is that you are always trying to find their delays and weaknesses and find the adoptive cure for them. For example, Nathan doesn't talk yet. This is a point of worry and frustration for me. He says lots of sentences but not with any consistency or clarity. Every parent keeps telling me how their child did not talk to 3.That's fine for them, but my child's adopted. As time passes and my panic grows, I finally break down and call the Kansas Children's Mercy Hospital's Adoption Clinic. Here they have specialists on hand to deal with the special needs of adoptive children. I called and explained the situation to the nurse. The conversation went like this:
Nurse: What did his pediatrician say?
Me: He said that's normal and not to worry about it.
Nurse: You don't believe him?
Me: What he said is true for other kids, but mine is adoption. What does he know about the special needs of adoptive kids?
Nurse: Does your son have other issues?
Me: No, he's perfectly healthy.
Nurse: So why do you think not talking is an adoption issue?
Me: Because he's adopted. Maybe he has psychological scarring or maybe he as weak facial muscles that prevent him from speaking.
Nurse: Or maybe he is just a normal two year old boy who has other great communication skills and therefore is a delayed talker.
Me: Oh
Nurse: All you adoptive parents see every issue as an adoption issue. Trying seeing your child, as your child and not your adoptive child.
Me: Are you sure it's not an adoption issue?
Nurse: Yes, not talking at age 2 is normal. There is no issue. He's a child, not an adoptive child.
With that I decided she was right. I need to see my son as a toddler and not an adoptive toddler. And so I am making a diligent effort to break away from the ties that bind me to the adoption. More on that in my next blog entry.
Rajal
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