My child not my adoptive child

When you are an adoptive parent, you see your child's actions through the veil of adoption. What a parent takes for granted as normal toddler behavior, an adoptive parent sees as an adoption issue.

For example, when Nathan was biting and hitting in school, I insisted that it was him coming to terms with his adoption. I even called our adoption agency and they too agreed it could be that. Lots of adoptive kids display anger to test you to see if you are in it for the long haul. I then spoke with the head of Nathan's school, and explained to him how this is an adoption issue. He disagreed; he said it's a normal two year old issue. I then spoke to the school's child psychologist (Nathan goes to a private school so there is one on staff). To appease me she said they keep in mind that Nathan's adopted and give him some leeway, but hitting and biting is typical toddler behavior. Hmmm...

Another flaw of adoptive parents is that you are always trying to find their delays and weaknesses and find the adoptive cure for them. For example, Nathan doesn't talk yet. This is a point of worry and frustration for me. He says lots of sentences but not with any consistency or clarity. Every parent keeps telling me how their child did not talk to 3.That's fine for them, but my child's adopted. As time passes and my panic grows, I finally break down and call the Kansas Children's Mercy Hospital's Adoption Clinic. Here they have specialists on hand to deal with the special needs of adoptive children. I called and explained the situation to the nurse. The conversation went like this:

Nurse: What did his pediatrician say?

Me: He said that's normal and not to worry about it.

Nurse: You don't believe him?

Me: What he said is true for other kids, but mine is adoption. What does he know about the special needs of adoptive kids?

Nurse: Does your son have other issues?

Me: No, he's perfectly healthy.

Nurse: So why do you think not talking is an adoption issue?

Me: Because he's adopted. Maybe he has psychological scarring or maybe he as weak facial muscles that prevent him from speaking.

Nurse: Or maybe he is just a normal two year old boy who has other great communication skills and therefore is a delayed talker.

Me: Oh

Nurse: All you adoptive parents see every issue as an adoption issue. Trying seeing your child, as your child and not your adoptive child.

Me: Are you sure it's not an adoption issue?

Nurse: Yes, not talking at age 2 is normal. There is no issue. He's a child, not an adoptive child.

With that I decided she was right. I need to see my son as a toddler and not an adoptive toddler. And so I am making a diligent effort to break away from the ties that bind me to the adoption. More on that in my next blog entry.

Rajal